you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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