So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize