If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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