but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
