I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
