Don't make out with my wife yet
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
