A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
