I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
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