Sorry, I don't speak sober.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
