Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
