I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
