he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
