I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
