Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
