We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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