Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I wish you could order shots online.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
