Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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