OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
