i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
