if i can run in heels then i can drive
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
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