the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
