My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
