i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
