HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
You need a sexual gate keeper
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Randomize
