I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Randomize
