Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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