You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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