I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Randomize
