I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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