i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Randomize
