I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Randomize
