I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Randomize
