I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
