When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Randomize
