you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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