i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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