Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
