does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
