this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
