Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Randomize
