Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
