i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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