The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Randomize
