im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
My breasts were aching with rage.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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