he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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