So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
