and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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