dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
