I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
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My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
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I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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