Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
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Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
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When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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