Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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