Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
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