Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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