i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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